The Absence and The Crisis.

So the wheels have come off the blog. But there is good reason and are in part related, and unrelated.


Firstly though, The Absence.

I've mentioned before that I am studying nursing at university. This is my final year (of seven, I know - I mention this ALOT but c'mon, seven years!) and with that comes seriousness. As in things that occur this year pretty much directly impact on the goings on of next year. For this reason, I've actually been doing the right thing and switching blogging and other fun things, for studying and other fun things. The other fun thing is my second to last clinical placement. Yep, that's right. Im a working girl. In a real hospital.

Just not getting paid for it. Which doesn't urk me at all!

This past two weeks has seen me working and trialling my skills in the hospital setting, and the kids being dropped off at out of school hours care at 6.30am.

Did you read that? 6.30. In the AM. 

Interestingly enough, I am flaming organised! Like super mum organised! Thanks to my awesome sister, in part, who gave me the best advice when trying to be a working mum. She should know - she's already done it and rocked that job! 

Working mums, I salute you! It ain't easy. But like all things - doable.

So the weekend sees me doing washing and turning it into little folded, neat piles. One for each day. Pants, tops, jocks, socks and bras - bits and pieces required for each member of the family in an easy, go-to pile which does two things:

a. cuts down the rude amount of washing I seem to accumulate

b. allows the kids to choose from the pre-approved pile what they will wear each day. And this, coupled with their overflowing excitement of attending OSHC in the dark, early morning, means they get dressed in record time. And we avoid the record on repeat that says 'Hurry up! Get dressed!'.

Love those kids.

This then leads me on to the next phase of the past two weeks.

The Crisis.

Me pregnant with Matilda.

Ready to board the honesty train???

While I prepared for leaving my kids for three days a week, and dropping them off at said, rude, dark and early times of day - something hit me. Next year this is me. This is my life. Working full-time, sending TWO kids off to school

I could eat them!

Yes, Tilly, MY Tilly starts school in Term 4

and being a working mum. Trading Stay At Home Mum who studies one day a week, to Working Mum, who works 5 days a week. 

How can she be starting school already!?

And I kinda freaked out. Like, couldn't breathe, world crashing in around me, freaking out. Like, how the hell can I leave my kids at the school gate to see themselves in to school. What if they are sad, what if they get hurt? What if they see the other mums waiting at the classroom and wonder where theirs is?? What if they are tired?? What if they think I don't care, that money is more important to me than being with them?? 

And I cried. A lot. Because for the first time in my life as a mum - I was having to let go. I'm not going to have babies in my house. Im not going to have toddlers or kindy kids. But big, school kids. And it's almost too much.

And I realised - I'm where every mum who's ever had to return to work when their babies are little, who have waved their last child off to school and they turn around lonely, and alone. And they are gone. Independent. We are hitting a milestone here. With that comes more grief, grief on top of that black hole in my stomach that remembers we can't have anymore children - and the unfairness of that. And the dwelling on the person that is missing from our family.

So - I did a grown up thing internets. I went to see a counsellor to just blurt this all out - to make sense of what was going on in my head so that I didn't explode (literally). And I came out with this:

Isn't it sad that we, as mothers, associate stay at home mum with good mum, and working mum with bad mum. 

Isn't it sad that there is a world of people out their who are designed to make mothers feel shitty about the choices we make, whether it be boob or bottle, co-sleeping or not, working or staying at home, childcare or no childcare. That maybe, deep down inside - I have unintentionally been that person by pitying the kids who had no mum standing at the door - and in turn I'm judging myself.

I came out with the fact that regardless of when it happens, we all have to let go, just a tiny bit, of our babies. Let them out into the big wide world and dismiss the feeling that we are leading a lamb to the slaughter - but remember we are raising tough, independent and confident kids. And that it's ok. We are good mums because we care. 

So just when the tide in my stomach was settling - and I was coming to terms with this change that is going on in our family, something happened that made me feel better. I went to pick the kids up from OSHC, I rounded the corner readily awaiting the rush of my two children who were so desperate to see me, who felt abandoned and sad - and wondered what all the other children were doing with their mums who came to pick them up. And instead - I saw two faces spot me. Those face became shocked, then horrified, then broke into a flood of tears and sobs.

How dare I pick them up. They wanted to stay! They were playing games and have a great time, and I ruined everything. And you know what I felt? RELIEF! They were ok. They'll be ok. 

And it's not about me. Shocking I know!!

And the wise words of my sister came to me. "Stop pretending they are thinking the way you do". And it's true, they could care less that I'm not there all the time. And you know what, I'm glad. Pressure off!

So yeah, big changes..but baby steps. It's normal to feel this way I know, but I never for the life of me thought I'd be sending my last baby to school when I'm 28 years old. It doesn't seem right. But it is what it is. And even if I had a thousand kids, I'd still feel this way when I waved that thousandth kid off to school. And it's ok we'll get there.

Here's to the next phase eh?

xx